Hello blog, this has been the saddest blog i've ever had.
I had happy times (most hidden).... and sad.. sad times all the way, and now i'm glad to say,
adios. Yes he's still my friend haha. Its always gonna be this way but im not delusional anymore.
I dont love him anymore and I'm moving on... or him.
as usual, im changing this blog, and I dont plan to keep this. coz this period has been nothing but a nightmare for me.... but hey im glad, I earned a friend. and nothings gonna change that.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010 2:13 AM
Everything's falling apart suddenly!!!
You know how sometimes you just do everything within your means and capaability, you push yourself to do it... but it just never, ever, ever works out...and its so tiring. I've been drilling this over and over again, but one day I just want to wake up and realise that I dont need all these, im not upset or wad, I just no longer am living with this burden in my life.
I don't want to give it, but its no longer about me... and I really dont feel like staying here anymore
Wednesday, October 27, 2010 4:24 AM
The stress is getting to me actually.
Saturday, August 28, 2010 5:50 AM
May God bestow upon me a peaceful heart,
so that I can accept those things that cannot be changed.
May God bestow upon me courage,
so that I can change those things that can be changed.
May God bestow upon me wisdom,
so that I can differentiate things properly.
Monday, August 16, 2010 2:33 AM
DEAR BLOG,
I remembered how much I love drawing and music.
Thank you Jason for reminding me.
STEPH
Friday, August 13, 2010 4:17 AM
Well, pretty amazed this turned out so well because if I remember correctly while taking this picture, my nose was leaking and my eyes had trouble staying open.
So I stared at this picture, and thought, what am I doing to myself? And on the TV now is this obese woman crying about her weight because she thinks she is at risk for heart disease (as a bio student I would say, yeah, that's for sure lady), and she's crying and crying and crying about how she is lazy. LAZY? wtf right... lazy.
Anyway it just dawned on me what I'm really doing to myself. I mean its like all the while I was just crying and feeling sad and finding all sorts of excuses to be weak. But derealization has set in somehow, no I'm having a panic attack or fitting in DSM criteria, but I feel like I'm just staring at myself from a third party's point of view.. crying, begging, forcing my way through into a metal door.
So am I gonna still continue with this absurdity that everyone calls?
Yes. I am still staying his friend, because now I have faith in my strength. I believe I am never gonna let myself even fall into a situation where my pride and dignity actually gets trampled on again, but he still means that much to me. And I'm gonna start by placing my appointments in place and not avoid commitment just because I'm making time for someone else.
While the fat woman on the show stops crying when the doctor actually asks her "Are you willing to change?", I thought that was so wayang....I think one's desire to change manifests in the mind over time and when people change they just, do it. I will just do what I believe in- and that isn't self-destruction. During my seminar today my prof said that many studies have shown that depression causes some sort of mild dementia, basically just deterioration of memory.... and now that explains very very well what has been happening to me.... So I guess I don't have a choice. I'm losing neurons in my brain and that actually scares me more than anything.
Anyway I'm just gonna sleep, totally screwed it by signing up for that thing called arts bash *frowns*.......
but YES I'm still cynical hahahahaha.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010 2:00 AM
I want to sing!
Hello world!
Ok I think I had some slight food poisoning last night, super acute pain.
Anyways today was a superrrrrrrrrr great day=)
I am quite glad to get packed with jobs- Loreal, CommunicAsia, Beerfest, NCPG campaign... next up SIWW and jon will be working for it too as logistics so there will be lunch kahki since there are 3 girls and most likely lunch alone again!
CommunicAsia... and I swear I worked with the loveliest girls everrrrrrrr, pictures on fb!
...and Singha for Beerfest 2010! A-awesome can? I made many friends from there, a few whom I'm def sure, can last....=)
Alright all the job-madness aside, I promised myself its either driving or work or SWIMMING now, and I'm damn happy cos I managed to get slots for thursday and friday!! Super happy to be swimming in Hougang- no crowds, no bathing in public toilet, and I'm more comfortable with the crowd there after going to swim alone today.
On the issue of blogging, I guess I do like my privacy such that I feel very compelled not to write my thoughts here. However, I'm going to keep my posts here with happy thoughts and memories, or if I am EXTREMELY sad I'll start writing here, and I'm really happy my friends are always there to listen to me. Thank you guys, you've been there for me and I can see it.
Friday, June 11, 2010 2:20 AM
Fine
Tomorrow, I want to tell myself everything will start anew!
No need for worries anymore, what will come will come and me........ constantly trying to go against the tide...... its stressing me out and I should stop it.
Thursday, June 10, 2010 12:58 AM
Hello world,
Been trying to take more pictures so I guess more pics when I'm back! But I have been sad these few days so pardon the eye bags, they spell plenty of water retention from my favorite activity- crying. Lol.
Besides that, I woke up to a call from Loreal telling what time to report to work! A-Awesome! And also it was followed by a call saying I got confirmed for the job for Toray! Fucking chio Japanese costumes who dowan!
Woke up.... off to briefing for CommunicAsia, gotta go down again to get my dress, and now I need heels. All the jobs require heels. Nice. As if wearing pumps for IT Fair standing whole day not enough ah ggxxyy.
ANYWAY it was my pig's birthday today.......... HAPPY BIRTHDAY YO!
Wednesday, June 2, 2010 2:20 AM
Is it really so hard to get event jobs so that I can still take driving and enjoy the last holiday of my life...........? Hmm. So I've been stressing over financial issues recently to the extent I got abit sad and melancholic, and yes today marks the last day of melancholy because I am setting myself to just applying and applying (which I have been actually), and hopefully(and optimistically), get something. I have resorted to 6/hr jobs, liquor promoting jobs, waiting by my phone constantly to be confirmed..........
So yes, I am going to aim for a happier me. H for holiday and H for Happier and H for handsome boy.
Hahahahah. OK H is for HAHA too!
So people, here's to more jobs!
Anyway can I talk about my previous "boss"? Basically he hired me to be his PA- Personal Assistant.
So anyway I attended the first day of work, as happy as a dandelion and pretty eager to learn new stuff, excited that my driving is making a headstart and I have gotten a job. Alas, that smartass, at the end of the day, messaged me, if he could date me out.
Make no mistake... he WANTS to date me... seriously I was calculating the chances of that considering he so nicely offered a well paying job to me(of course with decent job duties involved la), not too exaggerated to believe. Normal PA earns 2.5, I earn 1.3... Ok.. fair enough...
But this guy, while we were chatting, I asked him: "I thought you put you're in a relationship o facebook?" Him: "Oh, just for fun one la." Me: "Oh, okay" ( Obviously I didn't take it la, I know how anal girls get about announcing status on fb and how SOME men are announcement-phobic) Hour later he messaged me and said he wants to date me out. *PANIC* My boss wants to date me!?!? AFTER ONE DAY OF WORK? Horror of horrors!
So I squirmed my way through, suggested finally in exasperation and fear of losing this kick-ass job, that we can talk about dating after I quit, aka when school starts.
Then he asked me out at night if I wanted to meet him, to which I said no.
Next day I waited long for him to message me what time he was going to work cos I realized I didn't get any keys or auth card to enter office. Waited.....waited.........waited.... finally he told me to start work the week after, and I gallivanted out.
Halfway during my lunch, some random number called.
"Hello? Are you Stephanie? Did ______ hire you as his PA?"
ggfied.
"I'm his girlfriend. I saw your messages and he says you both conjured the messages to spite me. Is that true?"
WTF-GGXX? IS THERE ANY SUCH MAN WHO DOES SUCH A THING? NOT A 25 YEAR OLD!
so it went on and on, I refused to say anything and went on about "I'm so sorry but I just want a job. Thats all" (aka only interested in the job not the man sorry)
blah blah blah. Anyway she kept omg-ing about how sweet my voice is, finally told me she's gonna dump him, and that was it.
Meanwhile while I was on the phone a few messages came in. oh, of course he would. First one was not to pick up his girlfriend's call. Second to help him lie that we made told messages up.
I told him sorry but she called already, and the third message was "can you call her back and tell her you were helping me".
Ok seriously wtf?
My final message was "Sorry this is your personal issue and I really don't wish to be involved in it."
Hella right! Stephanie does things to her advantage and this is one thing in my life Laoniang is damn proud of! I threw 1.3K with flexible working hours out of the window for pride and honour that cannot feed me and for the other woman's dignity! DUh, cannot imagine if I lied and she foolishly tries to delude herself that those ELABORATE messages were conjured just to what.. wwwhatttt? SPITE HER?
HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. JOKE. JOKE. MEN!
Oh anyway the conclusion is I became jobless and thereafter some men started offering me jobs, what assistant in sales, some promoter job-but-can-we-go-out.........blahblahblah.
Fuck off, I hate you. I am a hardworking girl and I give in my best in all jobs, never slack at lousy flyer jobs, never slack at IT Fair and constantly go all out to approach customers when others complain 脚痛, I would like a slack job but if its through pimping myself and going against my morals( like hurting someone) then,
GO FUG YOURSELF LAAAA.
Yes if anyone has event jobs, call me!! I am willing to go as low as $6/hr!! =D
Sunday, May 23, 2010 2:22 AM
Saturday
Went out with Janice cos both of us are idling and its not fun at all. At least for me... But this is her newly manufactured dress!
and me, constantly looking out for a dress to replace what I was wearing.
ANd omgggg this dress is so cute I wanted to get it in black and white but it is- 59DOLLARS!
Anyway we waited for L for foreverrrrr and we just ended up sitting in Chinatown slacking cos we were damn full and we drank Koi till we were superrrr bloated.
Ok btw the dress actually very nice hor! Actually I was pretty skeptical cos its like super simple , but after wearing it I realized its quite nice cos the material is superb, and its a really nice fit.
Camwhore cos its hot and hella bored. Sighhh wish Sg had more entertainment besides alcohol.
HAHA ok I am a damn great photog so here's a super random picture of K:
Awesome or not? =)
Sunday, May 16, 2010 2:33 AM
Many the Miles
Sausalito!!!Fuck I miss California.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010 6:07 PM
Interesting facts from my best chapter in the best module.
"Gentlemen, this is not your competition, it's your colleague." (Schwartz, 2006) when referring to use of vibrators in sex play.
If I have mentioned Kellogs to you before- the fact that he invented cornflakes as anti-masturbation food. Try this: Reverend Graham inspired him. Sounds familiar? Yes, Graham crackers, because "bland food dampens sexual desires".
"If vibrators are outlawed, only outlaws will have vibrators." Goodness- what would the world be like without vibrators?! Selling a sex toy in some American states would give you a penalty of up to a $10,000 fine and a year of hard labor.
"For several thousand years women in China and Japan have used Ben-wa balls for pleasure." when talking about self-pleasuring techniques.
"Rubbing one's genitals against someone else's body or genital area is called tribadism." - Now you know guys! It's not grinding, its TRIBADISM.
YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT- Factors affecting taste of ejaculate: Bitter- Coffee, alcohol, cigarettes, and marijuana. Sharp- Red meats, greasy foods, dairy products, chocolate, asparagus, broccoli, or spinach. Moderate- Having none of the bitter factors and only one or two factors from the Sharp group. Mild- A vegetarian diet. Fruit (especially pineapple and apples), parsley, celery, spearmint and peppermint. Sweet- Naturally fermented beverages or someone who is diabetic or borderline diabetic.
Sweet no longer sounds nice.
. . . . . . .
Now you know why I'm on my way to getting A for this module. *Beams*
Saturday, March 13, 2010 4:33 PM
I am awesome.
I think I am awesome even though my tablet has made me more awesome. Anyway I FINALLY got to do some drawingggg with my beloved. Alright!!!!
Wednesday, March 10, 2010 3:45 AM
Girl's Night Out!
So here's to the 2 people who made my life in SC so much easier. I guess what sets them apart is that they're really sincere friends. Been there, done that.
Anyway to go to Shadowbrook you gotta take a cable car down... and btw this restaurant is also by the lake, it is THE prettiest place I have ever been to to dine!
Commminnn up!
and because this restaurant is below (since we had to go down) and by the lake, there happens to be a garden, which, when you walk into the place you're able to see the garden above you!!! Total coolness ok.
AND a swanky fireplace! I like.
My drink was wayyyy fantastic and all the girls ordered cocktails as well, I guess I never had a true ladies night with club-hopping, men picking us up, house parties, dancing and (drink) driving around, making friends, getting into bars free...... playing beer pong... you know.
and above is the till-now, rather famous dress. The GUESS dress. I guess I've entertained many questions on where I "got" the dress, and how my curls and curves (mm hmmm who started it!?!) are awesome, so thank you everyone! I am flattered!
Wah this is hella fantastic molten chocolate cake. Goodness oozing out k?
All ma girls lookin gorgeous!!
There was a singer(acoustic) and Krissy told me to ask him to take a picture with me.. well I wanted to dedicate wonderful tonight (as usual) but ola, he played it by the end of the night.
Yeah anyway before we left some (rather cute) guy came up to me in front of everyone and said to me "I know this is really awkward but...how are you?"
I hate how-are-you questions but I said I'm good anyway. Everyone were like giving me that "Ooo Stephanie he's hitting on you" look, it was hilarious cos it looks like it was from the movies.
So he invited us to a club nearby, kinda got stunned cos I don't really get picked up by sober men much here. Anyway I pointed at Krissy and said "i dunno, she's the driver. I think you gotta ask her."
He convinced her, and so we left for the place after he did.... which has a cover charge. So we turned and left.
Anyway we did leave for a pub after said-club, cover charge AGAIN, but when we turned to leave the bouncers called us back and let us in for free.
Men.... we really got it good for us.=)
So at 12 plus after Ehson's bball game we left for his place.... and I met... Thomas.
.....Welcome to America.
Krissy: "Hey you do resemble her huh."
LOL. Thanks T for playing beer pong with me anyway.
Ehson- He's persian, and persian makes me think of persian cats, 300.... what else, but he's a really cool friend.
Anyway he was cool cos he helped us take a picture, then went on to ask us to to give best friend's pose, funny face, and a fierce pose.
Awesome night.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010 6:05 PM
Happiness♥
The world is different today.
I am happy. No, I have been happy for weeks now.
So today I say: What is there to make myself happier?
and I decided to let go of all my hatred for everyone I ever scorned.
I start by adding every person I ever loved but had a feud with in Facebook. Or at least those that I can find in myself to forgive.
I'm happy for myself! Turning Redhead tomorrow!!!
Monday, March 8, 2010 7:25 PM
"Stephanie! Wake up we're going to the beach!"
My godddddddddddddddd, we had Girl's Night Out last night, was fab as you guys can see from the gazillion comments on the fab Guess by Marciano dress Krissy lent me on FB.... and naturally we had drinks, came home late, slept late...
... and she wakes me up at 12 to head out to the beach. Damn am I glad people here are good at making me do things I refuse to initially but end up loving (cue Skiing trip =D)
Krissy's the best tour guide and I swear, this is the REAL SANTAAAA CRUZZ. I have not been here before in the past few months.
Woah, not cold? I was really cold alright,
Boardwalk behind me yayy! So pretty and the views were fabbb.
Here's us:
Omg omg omg omg, I've seen so many necklace pendants like that but I just knew they came from shells. NO. NOT JUST SHELLS.
ABALONE SHELLS!!!!
AND THEY'RE REAL! They were selling all these at the fish market!! Wahhhh!
Then we dined at Miramar, it was a pretty neat place. Old school fisherman dining place. The view was of course, awesome, away from the cold winds.
SUN! Blue sky! Picture!
Kris with her wine, pasta with scallops, lobster and prawns with mangoes and avocado and sherry wine sauce, or something.
Me and my Pacific fish. LOL.
Here's the friggin highlight of the day: Pelicans! Pelicans not stuck in Singapore zoo but flying around! They were so huge and I was amazed!!! Awwwww!
Hahahha and they look like idiots sitting in one straight row its so funny, they looked like statues, I had to ask her if they were real.
Lesson of the day, Pelican's beaks dont seem as big (with depth) as those depicted in cartoons. =(
Of course main tourist attraction for god knows what reason, Sannna Cruz Lighthouse. I hope you can spot it, its teeny:
AND Close-up!
Alright I'm excited to blog about my Girl's Night Out, I LOVED IT, and its actually all up on FB and I know its like, maybe no point blogging or smth but aiyah, I actually didn't like the dress but everyone said it looks cute on me, loved my dress, where did I get it... well its GUESS by Marciano inspired by Paris Hilton, USD 120.
And yes it was a head-turning number and I got hit on, which, umm, I'll talk about again.
and I'm not blogging about that awesome-st night cos I'm gonna write my genetic paper on Ichthyosis, and I really hate people who whine about having to write papers (get down to it already)....... so SEEYA.
Anw I've become a very happy person here, I hope I dont regress when I return, and No I am not on drugs Hots.
Sunday, March 7, 2010 10:14 AM
Sickness
Last night, I threw up all my dinner... it was horrible. I was watching Vagina Monologues (a play), it was actually really awesome but I felt so sick, had a friggin shitty headache and I couldn't even laugh properly without feeling pain. When I got back everything just came out. Gross. I must have eaten bad food. =(
Anyway the day after Tyler's birthday I woke up feeling like... ummm, crap. I cross-faded on my first, and its up to your own discretion to go find out what the word means.
But well I just woke up, took some pills, went back to sleep, and headed out to meet the Sgreans for their cook-out.... which, I think I missed most part of. Anyway yes for some part I think I do look ill in the pictures.
But the weather was ggggrrrrrrrrrrrreat!!! and Santa Cruz has the most fantastic walking trails:
See I look so grossly emaciated. Yucks.
I know you wanna ditch your homework and COME JOIN ME!!! =))
Made the rest do this silly silhouette. Cool right?!
Passed by a quarry.
I still think I am a great photographer, I always get the best shots!! =) Hereafter we got to the protest place. Yes, 4th March was a holiday because all the students in the school are like, supposed to go on a strike, for lower education fees. So no vehicles were allowed in and out of the school, and the students stood by like, the main gate to protest. There were news vans and all.
So here is our school mascot, the banana slug, this is more of like a slug dragon (like dragon dance), but sadly it ws squashed. Oh well. Pretty interesting to look at people protest.
University sign got covered. Awww.
Always asked myself if I took pictures of myself in a protest am I gonna smile or act angry and frown like I'm part of the group, but there you go. I ended up smiling. HAHA.
I'm actually really glad that.............. my dearest Kyle has sent me a package, together with Jan!!!! A dresssssss and a loveeely card. Can't wait!
